Pregnancy #4 Baby #3

This baby makes me so nervous,  I worry so much about this baby, more than ever. Why?

On Adilee's 3rd birthday November 8th, 2018 I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant with baby #3. I was excited to say the least, Kooper was excited. We were due July 11th. We thought of everything that we would experience during that week, during the months leading up to it. How are family would change.  And then it did change, faster than normal, faster than anybody wanted, and completely shocked our little family. 7 weeks later, the day before Thanksgiving I started bleeding. I kept thinking it would be fine, it's just a little spotting. So I did nothing. Well nothing led to a Holiday weekend with nothing else I really could do.  The little spotting that I thought would go away, didn't. Instead it lasted for 6 days. 

In those 6 days anything that was a baby forming was now gone. The first day was fine, then night hit and I started cramping worse than I was earlier.  I text my mom and said we might not come tomorrow. She said why and I said "because I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage and my belly hurts so bad" She tried calling and I ignored her, I didn't want to talk on the phone. I fell asleep in bed with all my clothes on. I left them on all night. The second day was Thanksgiving. We were planning on going to Oregon. We packed, prepared and went and got gas. On the way I got the little notification on the new app I installed. "You are 7 weeks pregnant." I read about where the baby was at, how it was growing. I went in to the bathroom at the gas station and called my mom and said we are coming, she said "am I going to be another grandma" the words stung did she just ask me that? I know she didn't even realize she thought maybe the bleeding stopped.  I ran out as fast as I could before I recognized anyone. I got to the car and started crying. Koop finished getting gas and just put his arm around me and said "what do you want to do?" I didn't know, I didn't know what to expect, I kept hoping it wasn't a miscarriage, I kept hoping our little baby would be okay. I decided I wanted a blessing. I really didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to keep it all a secret and not tell anyone. But in order to get that blessing we had to tell his parents. We went to get a blessing and they asked what was wrong, I couldn't tell them. Kooper had to. I got the blessing and felt better, but still not sure what to do. I really didn't want to drive 5 hours, so we changed our plans and stayed home. 

I think at least 5 people asked me that day when we would have another. Just normal conversation for a not normal day. It sucked, it was thanksgiving and I was trying to be thankful. 

Monday: November 26th I went to the hospital and got a HCG test. My numbers were supposed to be in the 1,000s I was 48. So low that they decided I didn't need to go back Thursday and wait till the 3rd. I waited and went back the 3rd, my levels were 4. I drove home and that's when it hit me for the second time. It was finally confirmed, I wasn't in limbo anymore. The baby was gone. 

When the nurse called she said they want you to be less than a 4 to be cleared. So I was close. Most likely would be good by next week. They said not to worry about testing again. I should wait for my first cycle to come back and we would be good to go. 

Heavenly Father really does have a plan. He is in the details.  We cleaned the temple on October 30th. We were on the 3rd floor and I got to go in and dust the nursery and the mothers room.  

When I went in the nursery I got this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and sense that this was the time to have another baby.  I couldn’t tell if it was the feeling that I was pregnant or if it was the feeling that we need to be patient. But I know I felt that we needed to have another baby. So 9 days later when I finally decided to take a test I was pregnant. IT was incredible and such a sweet experience for me.  So why did we have a miscarriage? I can't tell you, but I can tell you that I have faith that Heavenly Father does things for a reason, I like to tell myself that he needed that sweet baby to have a soul and this was the fastest way he could do that. One day I will raise that baby. But for now, I get a sweet little angel looking over our family. 

Part 2

1 Month went on and my period never came. I was days late. On Dec 27th  I took a test. It was positive. Koop was going to help someone look at a snowmobile. I text him and said I just took a pregnancy test. It was positive. He immediately called and said why would you text me that.  I said because I'm not sure to believe it and I couldn't wait till you got home. On New Years Eve I took another test. It confirmed. I waited till the 2nd and called my doctors office. They told me to go in and do blood work and wait two days and go again. That day my levels were 3,000 and then next they were 6,200. They doubled like the should and confirmed to me that I really was pregnant.  Because I never had a cycle they really didn't have a date to go off. The went off the 21st and said I could be 5-6 weeks pregnant. My due date was September 1st. 

I ended up going in on the 8th for a nurse visit. They drew 5 things of blood and bruised the crap out of me. Brantley sat on my lap and towards the end reached towards it, I don't know if thats why but it hurt. I felt so sick after. I went straight to lunch and just sat there. I was grateful my mom was with me. Although she didn't know I was going in because I was pregnant, she just thought I was going to get checked to make sure everything was okay (sorry mom) but I wasn't ready to say anything.  I've never been able to get pregnant that fast. With Adilee is took 14 months, with Brantley we never stopped trying, and I got pregnant 2 months after I stopped nursing. And then with this baby it took 3 months after I stopped nursing. But with this one. It happened and we weren't even trying.

I still keep worrying something might happen.  I sit here writing this because I want to remember. I want to remember the process and how I feel. I continue to play basketball and volleyball and stay active because I feel that's what my body needs. Not just physically but mentally. I still don't have very many symptoms and because of that I worry.  I haven't downloaded a new app, and often times I forget how far along I am. I almost am just trying to get to my first appointment and once I get there we will be fine. February 5th can't come soon enough!

February 5th- Today was the day. Koop wasn't going to come and I said we only have 2 ultrasounds your not missing this.  It worked out perfect to because we got there almost 20 minutes early because earlier the weather was really bad so we wanted to make sure the roads were good. Luckily we did because Dr. Blackett just got called for a delivery and had to hurry over to the hospital. She came in right away and checked everything super-fast. I was so nervous, worried there wasn’t going to be a baby, worried there might be two, worried there would be a baby and no heartbeat, just worried. She found the baby quickly, moved around and said two things. Well there is definitely only ONE baby in here, and that little flicker right there, that's the heartbeat. I immediately felt relieved and really excited. The baby kept wiggling and it made me realize how amazing it really is. I was only 9 w 6d and this little baby is moving and growing so fast already. It made me so sad at all the abortions that happen at this stage. I’m super grateful for the ability to have my own babies, to be able to create a life, and to expand our family. I know it's a scary world, and I know that their trials are going to be crazy hard. But I know a family is part of Heavenly Father's plan, and I already see why. My two children and my husband bring me so much joy and happiness I can’t even explain. I know if I didn’t have them my life would be nowhere near the happy life it is now. Yeah sure we have hard times but this life is beautiful and I am so so so grateful for my family. I’m grateful for the eternity that we are sealed with.

Now today is March 24th and I feel confident about this baby and excited to meet them!